From Setbacks to Strength: Tools Kids Can Use to Work Through Disappointment

Editor’s note: This article was sponsored by Seattle Children’s Hospital.

As parents, it’s natural to want to protect children from life’s disappointments — whether it’s a spilled ice cream cone or failure to make a sports team. 

But these struggles help children build the resilience necessary to navigate future challenges. That’s why it’s important to help them deal with disappointment in healthy and productive ways, says Andrea Ramos-Castillo, a mental health therapist with the Odessa Brown Children’s Clinic and Beacon Hill International Elementary School’s health clinic. 

Take her recent experience working with a child who thrived on the track team. A back surgery not only meant the child couldn’t play the sport, but also lost the time spent with teammates. Ramos-Castillo validated the child’s experience and offered empathy saying: “You lost this thing in your life that was important for you.” Together they discussed ways of easing the loss, such as attending track meets to cheer on the team while also exploring other activities like kayaking and cycling. 

That example illustrates some of the strategies Ramos-Castillo advises when children encounter disappointments. After validating someone’s experience and offering empathy, it’s important to brainstorm the tools and strategies to cope with the letdown. These approaches will benefit kids as life’s disappointments evolve in more complex ways. 

“We want to give them the tools early on to deal with disappointment,” Ramos-Castillo says. “We want to teach them to start solving their own problems.” 

Listen and validate 

During her work in elementary schools, Ramos-Castillo often meets with students facing a variety of disappointments. Some feel frustrated when a peer no longer wants to be friends. Others might be bummed out after receiving a low grade. She’s also seen kids disheartened when they observe peers with the latest fancy sneakers, something their family can’t afford. 

Acknowledging their experience can open up the door for future communication and connections. 

“Validating is big,” she says. “Accept what they’re saying.” 

What you shouldn’t accept, though, is yelling, being mean to others or hitting. Draw a clear boundary that their feelings are valid, but those actions are not: “No matter how disappointed we are, we have to control our emotions,” she says. 

Shifting perspectives 

After acknowledging those feelings, the next step involves brainstorming how to handle them. That’s where positive self-talk comes in. Admittedly, it can be hard to feel upbeat when facing disappointment. That’s why she’ll ask a child to consider how they might advise a friend. What would they say if a friend experienced a similar loss? That shift often gives the child much-needed perspective.

“We tend to be harsher on ourselves than other people,” she says. “If your friend didn’t get first place in something, what would you tell them? You would say you can do it better next time.” 

During those conversations, it can be helpful to take a broad approach and examine the current situation from a long-term perspective, according to the Resilience Guide from the American Psychological Association (APA). These discussions can help children see there is a future beyond their current disappointment — and that this future can be good. 

Bring out the coping toolbox 

Following the immediate disappointment, consider how your child might improve their mood. The goal isn’t to be super happy, but rather a little less sad, Ramos-Castillo explains. 

This might involve listening to music, going outside for a walk, reading a good book or working on an art project. Keep moderation in mind: Healthy coping might be treating yourself to a sweet treat, but not consuming an entire tub of ice cream, she adds. Similarly, too much screen time can make things worse. 

In the long term, connections with friends can help build resilience, according to the APA guide. Focusing on others through age-appropriate volunteer work or simply helping a parent around the house can give children a sense of empowerment as well. 

Using the approach for adolescents 

As children grow and develop, disappointments may evolve from canceled playdates to more complex social struggles. At this age, they might be able to cope with their disappointment in their own ways. If that’s the case, being there for silent support and validation is still helpful. 

Sometimes, it can be useful to offer your own experiences of disappointment such as not receiving a raise at work or failing to get a vacation request approved. Parents might share their coping strategies such as going for a walk or cooking a favorite meal. Be sure to use examples that are easy to understand and don’t exacerbate a child’s anxiety. 

“We don’t want to give them too much information, but teach them to name the problem and do coping skills,” she says. 

Avoid these pitfalls 

It might be tempting to see a child’s disappointments through an adult lens, and tell them “this is nothing,” or “get over it.” But no matter how small the problem might feel to an adult, it’s important to validate your child’s feelings. 

“Don’t make the kids feel like their problems are nonsense, saying ‘You should see what real problems are in life,’” Ramos-Castillo says. “For kids, this is their life.” 

Even if you’re thinking some of these phrases in your head, keep it to yourself. Instead, repeat your own form of positive self-talk such as “I’m the adult. They are just a kid. They haven’t experienced what I have. They need my support.” Or, if your internal mood needs a little lightening up, imagine their perceived overreaction as a humorous meme, she said. 

If parents experience their own missteps in this process, that’s okay, too, she pointed out. It’s not too late to reconsider your approach and adjust accordingly. 

“As children deal with the disappointment, we can deal with the disappointment of disappointing them,” she says. “We need to give ourselves a break, too, and keep trying.” 

Set kids up for success

Once the pain of the disappointment has passed, be sure to revisit the issue and reflect on how your child handled the experience. During that conversation, ask the child what they learned and how they might use that knowledge in the future. 

Remind them that the resilience they demonstrated will help them as future challenges inevitably arise. 

Praise their effort and their coping skills, Ramos-Castillo says, with phrases like: “You’re so strong. You learned to let the disappointment go.” 

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