Photo:
Twins Max (left) and Lucy Murrell checking out a koi pond as children.
When our twins were entering kindergarten, we were given the choice of enrolling them in two different classes or keeping them together in the same class. For some parents of multiples, this might be a difficult decision. But for us, it was easy because our kids showed us what we needed to do.
When I’d pick my children from preschool and ask my son how his day was, my daughter would tell me exactly how his day was. I wanted them to have their own experiences early and not feel like they had to be together all the time. And I wanted Max to tell me how his day was separate from Lucy’s observations.
As my kids navigated elementary school, I discovered Max is an introvert and Lucy, at the time, was more extroverted. Although they were in separate classrooms and had different personalities, they remained close and enjoyed their time together after school.
Seeing kids for who they are
At some point, I stumbled upon Susan Cain’s TEDTalk, “The Power of Introverts.” The purpose of viewing Cain’s talk was for my own students taking my college communication course, and yet, all I could think of was Max and Lucy. Most of my parenting of the twins up to that point was caffeine-fueled knee-jerk reactions. After watching Cain’s talk, I was seeing my kids in a different light.
It is murky in determining when a child is introverted or extroverted at such a young age. In my case, it was compounded with the twins’ birth order. Baby A is usually the leader and the first to speak up. Baby B is ready to go with the flow — typically at the behest of Baby A’s declarations. Lucy is our Baby A.
We watched their elementary school holiday program as Lucy led the entire third grade simply with their enthusiasm. The rest of the third graders were singing as well, including Max, but Lucy was shining in their element. On the way to the kids’ first day of middle school, Lucy was chatting anxiously. It was a quieter ride for Max. Just before we pulled up to the drop-off, Max burst out, “Why does this have to be so nerve-racking!?”
When the twins reached high school, Max had a big group of friends and was pretty social with them all. Lucy, on the other hand, had shifted to being more introverted and didn’t enjoy being part of such a crowded high school; so much so, that they eventually opted to graduate a year early, one year ahead of their brother.
The extroverted mom on college tours
By the time the twins were beginning to tour colleges and meet professors and coaches, I found myself speaking for my kids which is apparently frowned upon, as college visits go. Their extrovert mother couldn’t stand the silence in the pause of reflection. If you’re asking yourself what the pause of reflection is, you, like me, are probably more of an extrovert.
Eventually, I remembered Cain’s research and I made adjustments. The biggest adjustment was I let the pause settle and my children answer the questions for themselves. Soon, I was watching my kids have meaningful conversations while learning even more about them, their goals and their dreams.
Parenting introverts and extroverts
Chances are, your kids will have different personalities and needs that will change over time. Assessing whether your child is an introvert and extrovert seems low on the priority list compared to maintaining the family rules, chores, activities and homework.
The easiest way to figure out where you or your kids are on the introvert–extrovert spectrum is to assess how each family member recharges. Does a social gathering invigorate or exhaust your child? Does a night home not talking to anyone and reading a good book recharge you, or does it sound like the most boring thing you can imagine?
If you are raising an extrovert, the good news is, our culture, schools and classrooms are generally designed for extroverts. Extroverts thrive in social settings and group work. Consider team and group activities for your extroverts like basketball and choirs. Before you send your extrovert to be in a quiet setting and focus on homework, give them a chance to tell you how their day was (and possibly their sister’s day as well).
Introverts thrive in quiet environments. If your child leans more toward introvert, they need some time to download throughout the week. They may also enjoy group activities or sports, but they will need quiet and less stimulation after a full day of full social stimulation. Perhaps they need a quiet ride home. When talking with your introvert, be sure to make time for some one-on-one time.
Cain offers three ways to accommodate introverts:
- Stop the constant group work. It is difficult to control the social expectations of the education system. What you can control is the environment at home and outside of the classroom. At home, that may look like signing your extrovert up for soccer and show choir while your introvert might enjoy reading or hiking with one or two others.
- Unplug and go to the wilderness. Teach your children options and experiences on how to recharge on their own. My aunt was recently prescribed monthly forest baths. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, the benefits of this Japanese concept are irresistible.
- Reflect on your own assessment of how you thrive socially — introvert, extrovert or ambivert. When considering your child’s preferences, ask yourself how you can work with them to mutually respect each other’s introversion or extroversion in your parent-child relationship.
Parenting as empty nesters
Now that our twins are young adults, we try to respect their needs by consistently asking them what they want to do when they are home. When we are on the phone with them, we allow the pause to settle and give them some time to speak.
Today, Max continues to carefully consider his contribution in a conversation. He maintains a small group of friends and has a cunning sense of humor that you can miss if you’re not one of his inner circle people.
Lucy is brilliantly reflective and thoughtful. They mostly enjoy quiet time, but on occasion, and in the right space, Lucy loves to be the life of the party and make people laugh. They are a leader in any situation. Lucy is what Cain calls the best of both worlds: They are an ambivert, teetering a nifty balance of introvert and extrovert.
Navigating shifting energy needs in marriage and friendships
For many years in our marriage, I have been an extrovert and my husband, Chris, an introvert.
In parenting, there are many social demands with other parents through your kids’ activities and sports. Your social circle is with your kids’ friends’ parents. However, as my kids have gotten older and we all experienced a pandemic, my and my husband’s social needs have shifted dramatically. We also became empty nesters during the pandemic when the twins went to college.
Chris tends to be more social now, while I don’t see the real need to leave the house. We both do well to support each other in these different preferences. Now that we’ve flip-flopped, we have a greater understanding of what we each need for social time and quiet time.
I have just a few friends now, most of us more introverted. There’s usually a check-in text before our plans: “Are we really doing this?” If you have introvert friends, one of the kindest things you can do is text a couple of hours before your scheduled event with something similar.
Carrying on
I’m not sure if my kids have noticed my shift. However, the extrovert in me mushed up with my wacky personality has probably announced my conversion to introvert life several times. I am hopeful they see me letting the conversational pause linger a bit longer, listening more, and giving each of them space to recharge in the quiet.
Recently, the kids were home for the holidays, we started to make a plan of their favorite places and restaurants they wanted to visit, and then I suggested, “What if we just hang out and read?” They glanced at each other, scanning for what I assume is twin telepathy.
They seemed suspicious of the proposal and that I, of all people, proposed it. But the thought of delving into our books was too good to resist, so they both agreed. Then Lucy immediately claimed dibs on the big red reading chair and delegated where everyone else should sit. Max was too busy already reading to argue.
Editor’s note: All photos courtesy of Leslie and Lucy Murrell.
