“My entire parenting journey has been to do the least harm.”

The Attached Authoritarian, Shukri Olow, Kent mom to a 12- and 14-year-old

Shukri Olow has worked in education and nonprofit leadership serving families from South King County for the past 15 years. She says from her children’s birth to the pre-teen years, her parenting style has been Attachment.

Parenting as a child of the Somali Civil War

Olow is originally from Somalia. For over three decades, Somalia has been engaged in civil war which arose from the overthrow of the central government. The country currently remains in turmoil and countless Somali people continue to be tragically displaced. 

As the eldest daughter in an immigrant family, Olow became like a second parent to her two siblings from a young age. Her mother was a widow, raising all three children on her own in the U.S. as a new citizen.

“As a survivor of a civil war, I did not have access to activities that were child-led and there was not enough time to receive the physical closeness and the nurturing environment that I needed,” she says. “I’m an empathetic and compassionate person who needs physical touch and affirmations. Because I didn’t receive that as a child—my mother’s love came through acts of service—I intentionally poured that onto my two children.”

Parenting teens in a new world

As Olow’s children enter their teen years, she says her approach to parenting is shifting. These days, she says the style that most aligns with her approach is Authoritarian, although she is not fond of that title.

“My entire parenting journey has been to do the least harm,” Olow explains. “Unfortunately, I know that there will be some harm done because we all have our own stuff and traumas that we are healing from. There are cultural nuances as my children are second generation immigrants and how I was raised looks very different from what they have experienced.”

The power of conversations and apologies

One way Olow is navigating that harm reduction is through communication. “[My children and I] are in dialogue about many topics, including their bedtime routine and what they eat.”

She says when she was the age her children are now, there was no room for discussions or negotiations. What her mother said was law.

“I try and offer that space for them to express themselves. Sometimes though, I can feel my cultural wiring wanting to peek through and it is in those moments that I fail and find myself apologizing. That’s the other important cultural nuance that almost doesn’t exist in my culture—apologizing to the children/young people in our lives and committing to doing better. I find myself constantly and consistently apologizing for my shortcomings and can only hope that they hold me accountable when I forget.”

Meet more Puget Sound families:

• The Pressured Daughter-Turned-Gentle Parent: Suzie Driscoll, Shoreline mom of one
• The Lighthouse Parent: Moffett Burgess, Queen Anne mom of two
• The High Tech Dad: Andrew Wilcox, Phinney Ridge dad of two
• The Influencer Mom: Tash Haynes, Tacoma mom of three
• The Unified Team Parent: Pamela Savagaonkar, North Bend mom of four
• The Democratic Authoritarian: Reanne Gamet, South Seattle mom of three