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Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
From: SunshineKitty @ aol.com
To: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
Subject: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
Dear Kaeden, Today’s email is brought to you by the letter K!
I wanted to touch base with you on behalf of all of the other toddlers at the Brookside Playgroup to discuss today’s incident. No doubt you are aware of the importance of the sharing economy, especially when it comes to the dump truck toys. We appreciate your uniqueness during imaginative play, but dump trucks should go vroom-vroom and not chugga-chugga. Many other toddlers found it off-putting and tried to run outside naked. Luke made it all the way to the driveway. Our parents were so upset they could barely Instagram the event.
Can you think of a way we can avoid this phrasing in the future so we can continue to expect organic toddler synergy? I’ve reattached the playgroup rules for your reference.
Thanks,
Hanna, AKA Sunshine Kitty
From: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
To: SunshineKitty @ aol.com
Subject: Re: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
Dear Hanna,
Bless your little heart for showing so much concern for my user experience! Please enjoy this macaroni art picture I made just for you. It’s not for eating, just for looking.
As for the chugga-chugga dump truck reference, correct me if I’m wrong, but dump trucks make a chugga-chugga sound when they are hauling big things, such as egos and large potato heads.
Vroom-vroom seems to me to be off-brand. As I’m sure you are aware, vroom-vroom has its roots in Latin, meaning “You’re a gatekeeping booger eater.” As such, vroom-vroom wouldn’t be on message.
I can’t wait to see everyone again at our next playgroup!
Sincerely,
Kaeden
From: SunshineKitty @ aol.com
To: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: The incident at the Brookside Playgroup
CC: ToddlerThugLife @ gmail.com
Kaeden,
To quote Barney, “Our fun and learning never ends!”
We need to focus on our customer relationship management. After all, sharing is caring. Our target demographic is 3- and 4-year-olds who enjoy naps, snot and dump trucks. Chugga-chugga is not a good pivot in messaging for us to move forward with.
And it’s fascinating you speak a language as old as Latin. Is that because your parents can’t afford a new one?
My apologies for being unclear. I’ve cc’d your playgroup section leader, should you have any additional questions.
Sunshine Kitty
From: ToddlerThugLife @ gmail.com
To: SunshineKitty @ aol.com ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
I want no part of this. Do not cc me.
From: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
To: SunshineKitty @ aol.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
Hanna,
From my reading, it is clear that “Everybody Poops.” It’s just rare that you see it done in an email. But I will say that what you’ve been able to accomplish with a preschool education is truly inspiring. Kudos to you!
Going forward, I would prefer that chugga-chugga remain in the rotation to completely utilize the sound theory of the dump truck. As a thought leader, it is important to recognize the diversity of the dump truck market.
Have a blessed day,
Kaeden
From: SunshineKitty @ gmail.com
To: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
Kaeden,
Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!
I just love that song so much that I will never, ever, ever ever, stop singing it when we are together. It speaks to me.
I think we are at the point where we are going to have to agree to disagree.
You’re a poopie-head,
Sunshine Kitty
From: ElmoFan @ hotmail.com
To: SunshineKitty @ gmail.com
Subject Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Incident at the Brookside Playgroup
Hanna,
There is no Santa Claus.
Kaeden
Editor’s note: This article was first published on Medium.
