How to Teach Your Child to Share

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iStock

Go to any busy sandbox or play area and you are likely to hear a commanding grown up bellow “Share!” at their young child. It is a single word that implies a simple action, and yet it is much more complicated than we think. Imagine you are playing happily and someone says to you, “Flash mob!” Would you immediately start dancing? Would you know the choreography? Of course not! Same goes for our young kids.

They are scientists, happily exploring and growing new neurological loops that create pathways in the brain. These take a lot of time and a lot of practice. It is completely unrealistic, developmentally, to expect our young children to share without being taught the skills to do so. Fortunately, our little scientists pick up habits and behaviors when they learn through play and when they feel safe and connected. So where to begin?

Start with your own mindset. Why do you want to teach sharing? Letting go of our ego and leaning into long-term life skills offers a broader perspective. Social skills, compassion, patience, emotional regulation, empathy, flexibility, awareness of others and self, healthy boundaries — who knew these were all embedded in the ability to share? All challenges then become opportunities to teach those deeper life skills. When we shift the mindset from short-term behavior change to long-term teaching, we get to embrace the role of inspiring leader.

All challenges then become opportunities to teach those deeper life skills.

Sharing itself is complicated for young children because of their cognitive capacity. Things are more concrete and the concept of time is beyond tangible. You can’t “share” a toy when someone else has it — they are literally playing with it! So the young child thinks, “It is in their hands which means it is not in mine.” Without that time understanding, the other child now has their toy forever. This developmental stage is all about “me” and “mine” and that important biological wiring runs deep for them.

As Kevin McHugh’s “Toddler Rules of Ownership” humorously reminds us:

If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
If I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, automatically it becomes mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.
If it is broken, but you are having fun playing with the pieces, it’s mine again.
If there is ANY doubt, it’s mine.

Now that your mindset is ready, break down explicitly what it means to share (usually taking turns) and the skills they need to be practicing mutually respectful sharing:

Teach through play

Role playing through stuffed animals, puppets or other characters is an absolute blast for kids. When the learning is fun and incorporates sensory experiences or even bonus songs (thank you, Daniel Tiger) with you (their favorite person) then the “lesson” is more likely to stick. Set up role plays to practice the art of negotiation: “Looks like they already are playing with that toy. You can ask how many more times around the track she is going to push it.” Similarly with compromise, “Can we play together?”

Change the language

Shifting the language away from “sharing” to “taking turns” will be a game changer and plant the seeds for problem solving. Teach them how to ask, “Can I take a turn?” Or more assertively, “When can I have a turn?” If hosting a playdate, talk with your child before and role play what might happen when the friend comes over and (naturally) wants to play with their toys. Are there any special toys they want to put away before they come over? What is expected when a guest is over?

child plays in a box boat at home with dad — Jump in! Asking your child for a turn in the box boat can teach her the fun of sharing. Photo: iStock

Encourage waiting for their turn

This skill is so challenging for our young children with their prefrontal cortex still developing; it requires mental gymnastics to switch gears both flexibly and patiently. Lean into this place to teach by prompting, “What are you going to do while you wait for your turn? Do you want some ideas?” Help them through that transition and soften their rigidity by physically moving with them to check out the swings, run a lap, stomp like elephants in the leaves, or by handing them another toy to explore. A confident “come on, let’s go explore this area!” can often be enough. When it is finally their turn, make sure to say something affirming such as, “You found something else to do while waiting your turn so patiently and now it is your turn!”

Be clear on rules

Especially for siblings, get clear on exactly what can be shared. What toys are community property? What is the rule about a toy that has just been opened as a present? What are the toys that are always special and personal? Consider specific bins or shelves that are designated for each child versus a communal area where all the toys there are for everyone to play with. In our home books are always shared, for example.

Don’t grab out of their hand

When your child grabs a toy from another, it is imperative that we don’t grab it right back out of their hands. This is so confusing for kids! Instead, remind them to ask for a turn and guide their hand, not the toy back to the friend who had it first. You can gently press their palm to release the toy (like a little palm massage, or how you would release a baby's death grip on your hair) and give them the lines, “Ask your friend, ‘Can I have a turn when you are finished?’”

Model sharing through food

Food is a great way to model sharing because you can literally break it apart and use it in context. “Would you like some of my bagel? Let’s share it.”

Consider personalities

Every child has their own personality and for some, they may just give up easily and let another more dominant child take their toys away without a fight. This doesn’t mean your child has learned how to share. They may need those communication skills just as much as the loud child. In this case, your focus can be on teaching and modeling being assertive. Find small ways throughout the day to embed this practice. Give them the script by telling them “Be assertive and ask for what you need. Say, ‘I wasn’t done with my turn yet.’”

You will likely need to teach these over and over until they understand the concept. It is a practice. You can encourage it, but don’t expect it at all times. Sometimes we don’t feel like sharing either!

As Jane Nelsen, author of "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" reminds, “When she refuses to share, rest assured that this doesn’t mean she will be forever selfish. It will help to understand that she is acting age-appropriately.”